It's a Little Known Fact...
First, I'd just like to apoligize about last week's article. It wasn't exactly completely true. This was recently brought to my attention by a letter from that elitist bitch, Elita-1 (everything about her in the article wasn't true...there was something about a cattle prod too, but I'm trying to write a family piece here), that the article lacked some truthfulness. We regret this. Luckily, my Autobot insider clued me into what really happened.
It's a little known fact that the war was brought to Earth by Optimus Prime's careless driving while trying to quell his bratty Autobot underlings. That, and he refused to stop for directions. Here's how it went down.
Optimus Prime was driving the Ark. He was trying to go to the Galactic Center, the biggest mall in the universe (after the Mall of America), to visit the amusement park within. Optimus was hopelessly lost, but since the guy has to do everything himself, whether it's saving lives or picking the chunks of apple from Spike's braces, you know he wasn't going to ask for directions. So he found himself cruising through a rather rough neighborhood, with lots of asteroids just floating around.
Every other Autobot was sitting in the back seat. Optimus had promised them all ice cream if they were good, but you know the way Autobots can be when they've been sitting in a spaceship for that long. They certainly weren't helping matters any. Prime was constantly telling them that he was going to "turn this thing around" since Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were constantly hitting each other. Jazz and Prowl always made Bumblebee sit on the "hump." Blaster had to pee even though Optimus specifically asked him if he had to go before they left. Cosmos was complaining that Huffer was breathing on him. Mirage kept sticking his head out the window pretending he was a dog. Ironhide kept asking "Are we there yet?" over and over and over again. If this had been all though, they might never have crashed.
Megatron is also terrible with directions. Rather then ask for directions to the Galactic Center, he saw a perfect opportunity to get there without asking (go ahead and put on "how ironic" in here if you wish). Megatron had his own troubles. Distracted by Thundercracker doing the pee-pee dance, Soundwave never noticed Rumble pick up a magazine and start reading. It's a little known fact that Rumble gets sick if he reads in a moving spaceship. Rumble hurled all over the controls before anybody could stop him and the ship started losing control. Megatron called for all Decepticons to abandon ship before crashing on Earth. They jumped out of the ship and right into Mirage's open window. The Autobots thought this was an attack and fought back. The Ark was then caught in Earth's gravity and crashed. The rest, as they say, is history.
Really things worked out quite well for them however. They were on the very planet that the Mall of America would be built a mere dozen years later. Of course, the Autobots still haven't visited Camp Snoopy, the amusement park in the mall. They keep trying, but Optimus has always turned the convoy around.
How ironic.
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