Who Needs TV?
Download trudged across the surface of his home planet, slowly making his way to the planetary scanning equipment that seemed to be on the fritz. Download wasn't overly surprised. Many of the other Junkions weren't nearly as good with cybernetic repairs as he was. Download frowned. He knew the reason why. It was their silly obsession with television. He couldn't fathom why the others were so enamored with the medium. Most of the garbage the box spewed out was insipid at best. It was utterly pointless. Could you really fight a war when you have to worry about missing a rerun of "Soap?" Download was created and schooled on Junk. And he was the only one who refused to watch television.
Download watched another Junkion approach him, walking in the opposite direction. He already knew what the greeting would be.
The approaching Junkion smiled upon seeing Download and drawled, "Hi-a, Mox!"
Download repressed a grimace and said, "Hi." Download's accent apparently spot-on with a character name "Mox" in a movie called "Varsity Blues." So naturally, ever single time he saw another Junkion, it was the same thing: that absurd greeting followed by pleads to say, "I don't want your life." Download was usually more than happy to ignore them.
Download stepped over a rusted-over drive shaft and stepped up to the bunker the scanning equipment was located. He placed a hand on the doorknob and paused. Inside this room were four of the others. Download took a minute to prepare himself for the onslaught of banal, overused lines of television dialogue. It amazes me, he thought sullenly, that I'm actually one of these guys. With a weary sigh, he twisted the doorknob and was greeted by a shout of excitement.
"NORM!"
Download flashed the four Junkions a tired smile and made his way quickly through the room, looking from terminal to terminal. When he was nearly to the end of the room, Download asked, "Which one of these is causing the problem?" After there was no response, he turned back to the other Junkions. They were all standing in the middle of the room, staring at him with a blank look on their faces. "What?" he asked.
"Handprint identification please," one of them announced in a high-pitched monotone. Download interpreted this mean they didn't know who he was.
"Name's Download. I'm here to repair the microconverter in the helio-detection bridge of the peri-hemispheric detection unit."
Blank stares were his reply. He tried again.
"I'm supposed to fix the computer system in this bunker."
More blank looks. Download sighed. He despised resorting to this.
"I'm the vampire slayer."
This time he was greeted by a jumble of quips he couldn't even hope to decipher. He waved his hands in front of him, not hiding the fact that he was annoyed, and turned back to start looking for which terminal was in need of repair. "Just tell me which one of these isn't working."
Download didn't need the question answered, however. At the back of the room, a computer screen that should have displayed strategic locations of supplies and resources showed a picture of an aging, gray-haired humanoid frozen on the screen, the visual display fused by what was probably shoddy electrical work. Download fumed. Once again, his species obsession with television was standing in the way of important things. He couldn't fault Wreck-Gar's leadership, however. Despite his leader's own fascination with the media, he rarely got distracted enough that key elements of their defense system were compromised because of on absurd need to catch the tale end of "The Godfather, Part II." Download whirled around to the other Junkions.
"You have three other televisions in here! Why in the name of the Great Smelter did you have to try to reprogram this too!"
The first Junkion raised his shoulders. "I'm just a victim of soicumstance."
Two others stated, "I'm innocent, I tell ya!"
Download crossed his arms and glared at the last one. The Junkion smiled innocently and said, "On sale at Circuit City, new picture-in-picture format," he pointed at his three televisions, "not available in some locations."
Download could only shake his head in frustration. Why was he the only Junkion on the planet without this collective obsession? In every other facet in everyday life, he was exactly the same as the others. Though he thought it was a blessing that he could think clearly without encrypting it into television dialogue, it was also a curse. Other Junkions, using countless combinations of what they heard broadcast, would point out that Download himself spent a lot of time in front of a television. Download was getting tired of explaining that it wasn't a television, but his work displayed on a standard computer terminal. He was getting tired of the need to ponder what a given Junkion said and translate it into something intelligible. Most of all, he was tiring of this cursed obsession. He sat down before the broken terminal and opened the circuitry hatch.
"Oh, stars," he mumbled, as he stared at the hasty job of rewiring.
The other Junkions glanced at each other. As a form of encouragement, a couple of them spoke.
"You can do eet," the first Junkion said excitedly.
The Junkion guilty of the rewiring placed a hand on Downloads shoulder. "If history has taught us anything, it's anybody can be killed." He pointed at the computer screen. "Even Hyman Roth."
Download slowly turned and stared up at him. With another sigh of frustration, he set to work. Behind him, the other four Junkions were speaking to each other. To Download, it was nothing but gibberish, a random compilation of various lines from there favorite shows. He couldn't understand a word, but the rest of them seemed to know exactly what each other was saying. Perhaps this was what Download hated the most. He was out of the loop. He was a complete outsider and every other Junkion knew it. Others didn't tease him about, except occasionally to try to get him to talk TV with them. Download, however, had never had a single other Junkion speak normally for an instant and none ever tried. Download was becoming increasingly convinced that he wasn't a part of their society any longer. Listening to the Junkions behind him only made him feel stronger about this. The unnerving babbling was also aiding in making him work faster. Three minutes after he began, he closed up the circuitry hatch and stood.
One of the Junkions whistled. "That was fast!"
Another chimed, "Like greased lightning."
"Greased lightning," another echoed softly.
"It seems the tables have turned," the last Junkion said.
Download motioned that last Junkion closer. "Yeah, fine. Let me show you how this thing works."
The Junkion crossed his arms confidently. "When we last met, I was but the learner. Now I am the master."
Download shook his head again and mumbled. As he walked out the door, he turned. The Junkion guilty of tampering with the terminal was already looking over the circuitry, trying to figure out what had gone wrong the first time. He sighed again in disbelief again that this was actually his species.
"You won't be able to mess with that again," Download called, prompting the Junkions to turn guiltily towards him. "I've set up the system to block out all television signals."
One of the Junkions gasped. "Computers can do that?" he asked incredulously.
"Yeah, they can," Download answered dryly. As the door closed behind him, he heard the last bit of conversation between the four.
"It's time for Wheel. Of. Fortune."
"Sweet!"
"Sweet ass sweet!"
* * *
Download paced in front of Wreck-Gar's quarters. The fiasco at the scanning bunker and six other Junkions calling him "Mox" on his way here pushed him over the edge. He needed to talk to somebody about this situation. Maybe, he thought sullenly, even ask for a transfer. Download just didn't feel like he fit in here any longer. Everyone else on Junk literally spoke another language from Download and often had another whole set of values. His biggest question, as he continued to pace, was if he could talk to Wreck-Gar about this. He certainly deserved to know about the condition of all of his subordinates, Download included, but his leader spoke with the same obscure dialect as everybody else. Frankly, Download didn't know if he could take it any longer. Still, the need to remedy the situation was a stronger desire. Download knocked upon Wreck-Gar's door.
"Enter," Wreck-Gar mimicked in a deep, accented voice.
The door slid open with a loud creak and Download walked into Wreck-Gar's quarters. For the most part, it was fairly Spartan. Wreck-Gar's dilapidated desk sat lopsided in the center of the room. Two ragged chairs were positioned on one side of the desk and Wreck-Gar sat upon another chair, this one in even worse condition. Casual piles of junk sat along the walls of the room. In contrast to the simple furniture, the walls were adorned with images of Wreck-Gar's favorite television and movie moments. Wreck-Gar's prized possession, an autographed picture of the "Where's the Beef?" lady, was framed and setting upon his desk. Wreck-Gar looked up and smiled at his top scientist, inviting Download to state his business.
Download cleared his throat and said, "I need to talk about something. It's quite serious."
Wreck-Gar crossed his arms thoughtfully. "What's up, kimosabe?"
Download's head dropped to his chest. He couldn't do it. He just could not have this kind of conversation right now. He waved his hand dismissively and turned to leave. "Forget it; we'll talk later."
Before the door to the hallway could slide upon, Wreck-Gar rose and said, "What a minute, Download. What's the matter?"
Download turned back to his leader, unable to hide the surprise in his eyes.
Wreck-Gar shrugged his shoulders. "I don't have to talk TV, but it's fun to." He motioned for Download to sit on one of the ratty chairs. "It's a hobby that gets carried away sometimes. Now, spill it."
Still stunned, Download spoke. "I don't know if I can take this any longer."
"What? The TV talk?"
"Everything! I had to fix some scanning equipment because a technician decided he needed another TV to watch. Everything around here revolves on around television and it's starting to grate on me. When I went to fix that scanner, the techs pretended they didn't know what I was saying until I put into a television quip. Everybody calls me "Mox" and I wouldn't even know which character he is in that slagging movie! I understand that they like to tease me, but I can't take it."
"Do you know why they tease you?" Wreck-Gar asked.
Download shook his head silently in answer.
"You intimidate them. You are far-and-away the most intelligent Junkion on this planet. And those whom you don't intimidate just like to get a rise out of you. I wouldn't call it harmless, since you obviously take some offense to it, but they don't mean anything by it." Wreck-Gar paused, seeing a bit of annoyance in Download's eyes. "I'm not trying to make excuses for them. I'll be sure to put a bit of a harness on it and reign it in if things get out of hand. Like today. It wouldn't hurt if you were able to roll with the punches just a little bit though. I know this is the way you are and, honestly, you're intensity and determination to make a lot out of very little is one of the things I've always admired most about you. But, if nothing else, we Junkions are adaptive. Always have been. It's why we've survived so long under less than ideal conditions. You're a Junkion, too. Just because you can't play "Name That TV Quote" like the rest of us doesn't mean you aren't a part of us where it counts." Seeing the fire in Download's optics douse a bit, he continued.
"If you asked any Junkion on this planet, they'd tell you how important you are to all of us. The Autobots look at this planet and see random piles of junk. Most of us don't even know what's in them. But we all know that you have everything in each pile catalogued as to its status and usability. You single-handedly keep this planet running. Do you remember when we went to fight Unicron?"
Download nodded.
"You kept that ship together through pure will after Unicron nearly crushed it to slivers. You kept us all alive with your brains and determination. Now if you want to be transferred, I'll oblige you. I would ask you to reconsider it though."
Download stared at his leader in wonderment. He had never heard Wreck-Gar put that many sentences together straight. He was always a robot of few words, leading by action rather than words. He was also surprised by what Wreck-Gar had said about him. He almost wished he had a larger ego so he could bask in such praise for a while. Above all, Wreck-Gar was right. Download was a Junkion and he has always been proud of that fact, even if he was less-than-fond of their collective favorite hobby. He was needed here.
Download stood and shook Wreck-Gar's hand. "Thanks. I'm going to get back to work."
Wreck-Gar only smiled in return as Download turned to leave. Just before Download exited, Wreck-Gar said, "Say, Download."
"Yes, sir," Download answered, turning back towards Wreck-Gar.
"Don't tell anybody about this conversation," the Junkion leader said, flipping up an imaginary collar. "I got a rep to protect."
Download paused for a moment, trying to dredge up the first words he had heard spoken upon coming online. Download brushed the back of his hand against his cheek and said in a terrible accent, "It's an offer I cannot refuse."
The End.
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